Episode 2: Postpartum Depression (PPD)
On this episode we’re going to discuss our own experiences with postpartum depression and how it’s affected our motherhood journey.
Episode Transcript:
Courtney 0:00
Hello, everyone, and welcome to saving melted ice cream. I’m Courtney.
Racquel 0:04
And I’m Racquel.
Courtney 0:06
And on today’s episode, we’re going to talk about postpartum depression in our individual stories.
Racquel 0:15
Okay, so Courtney, how long did you struggle with postpartum depression?
Courtney 0:27
I struggled with postpartum depression, silently for three years. And that is because I had my middle child, which I started having postpartum depression with. And then I didn’t really recognize that it was postpartum depression until I had my youngest. And that was when I was really at my breaking point. And they’re almost to the day two years apart. So I actually went to the doctors and got help. Because I was so low when my youngest was four months old.
Racquel 1:17
Yeah mines about the same kind of story. I honestly, I started having postpartum depression when my daughter was only two weeks old. In I faced I, I had a lot of rage with her, not towards her. I had a, a lot of rage with my postpartum depression with her. And I didn’t. I didn’t know that that was what it was. So I never sought help or anything like that, and then got pregnant when she was only nine months old, with my second and he was almost nine months old. By time, I realized that I had postpartum depression, and it just, it started with her and it never had the chance to end.
Courtney 2:16
It’s a struggle because they have those what six question? Yeah. When you go in to the doctors, and they don’t ask the right questions. I feel like.
Racquel 2:31
yeah, that’s what I always say to I was never asked the right questions. Like, I was asked, am I crying all the time? And I was like, Well, no, I’m not crying all the time. I was asked if I hate my life, and I was like, Well, no, I don’t hate my life. I was a NAS and my pissed at the world. Yeah. I remember driving it well. Actually, it was my ex husband. He was the one driving and I was in the passenger seat. And we were just driving through a Target parking lot. And looking back now I’m like, wow, that was when I should have realized that I had postpartum depression, but at the time, it never clicked for me. But um, we were driving through the parking lot. And there was like this old man, I mean, like a seventy year old with a cane old man crossing the parking lot. And I turned to him and I said, the thing that’s going to make me feel better right now is running him over. Like, it was so dark. And he was just like, okay, then I guess it’s a good thing. I’m driving. and looking back at it i’m like that old man that nothing to me.
Courtney 3:41
Yeah.
Racquel 3:42
I wanted to run him over
Courtney 3:46
With my middle. It was I like there’s a pre story with that. So I’ll go on to that. So with my oldest, I had probably like a picture perfect pregnancy. Didn’t really have issues until right before I had him when I had balloon feet. And I brought my oldest home. And by two months old, my husband joined the military and he left for basic. So I was raising our son by herself up until 10 months, and he was 10 months old when we moved to Wyoming at the time. And once he turned one, that’s when I was like, Oh my God, I need another baby. And that seemed to be a trend as I moved on. When I found out I was pregnant, it was actually a couple of days after you had sage and I called everyone of course because I I was excited. And like the one person I was super excited to tell was my grandpa, his he was my dad, since my real dad wasn’t biological dad wasn’t in my life. And that following Friday, I think it was he went down to Columbus to get a trial for chemo. And he didn’t come back. So that absolutely destroyed my whole entire world. And
Racquel 5:35
that’s what triggered your postpartum depression?
Courtney 5:38
I feel like me being depressed by him. And because right before everyone thinks that he knew he was going to pass, before he actually passed. And even though I had just moved, they moved me out to Wyoming. And then they came back and visited. I think it was like two weeks after Carter’s first birthday. And he asked me to go home with them. And I was like, no, like, I haven’t been with my husband for over a year almost. And I just want us to be a family. And so I didn’t go home. And I had that regret. Yeah. I feel like me being upset about that. Covered. How I was feeling after I had Wyatt, gotcha. After I had Wyatt, I didn’t necessarily feel sad. But I was very numb. And I felt like I have to protect Wyatt. And no one was allowed to be with him just by himself, not even Ryan, like, I would make up any excuse. He had to be right next to me. And if I couldn’t be there for him, like at a doctor’s appointment, I needed to go grocery shopping, or if I just needed like a mental break. I was a terrible parent. And I was failing him. And I just looked at him to flip. He was three months old at the time. And I just sat there and cried. And at that time, they stopped doing the questionnaire for the military doctor anyway. And I just thought I was struggling with my grandpa, and being a bad mom. And it wasn’t until I had Logan that I started feeling self harm thoughts, and I’d be driving down the road. Well, I could drive off this and hit that and we could end it real quick. And I struggled with being that dark and hiding it because I don’t want my husband to think of me differently. Because why the hell are you feeling this way?
Racquel 8:07
Yeah.
Courtney 8:07
that’s not normal.
Racquel 8:09
That’s when Lily was two weeks old. And her dad was at Basic, so or no, he was at tech school. So I was able to, like call him and stuff but he wasn’t there to actually see her be born or to help. I mean, and lily, were living with my mom. And I was very tired. I mean, not only just introduced into parenthood, I was also very young and away from my husband. And so it was just a lot at once. But um I remember it was like three or four in the morning. She was crying the whole night. I couldn’t figure out what’s wrong. I tried to give her a bottle. I tried changing her. Nothing was working. I was getting so frustrated. I laid her down on her changing table and I was crying and I was like, I don’t know what you want. Can you just stop like I was getting frustrated. And then I remember like, right after I’ve started to get frustrated. I remember thinking why am I getting frustrated? She’s a baby like, she doesn’t know what’s wrong. So then I just like started praying to God, I was like, please help me I do not know what to do right now. I can not do this. And I picked her up, went back over to the bed. I said please let her take this bottle and go to sleep. And I ended up feeding her and she ended up taking it right away. And she went to sleep and that should have been like my oh, something’s wrong. if I’m getting this frustrated with her, but it wasn’t. I, I don’t know why I didn’t realize there, I guess.
Courtney 10:12
I think with a lot like, that goes into learning about being a parent and even just pregnancy in itself. Like they have the parenting classes and the birthing classes. And they’re just now starting to offer like, if you want to breastfeed, they have these classes. Or if you want to do this type of parenting, there’s these classes but there’s nothing that fully covers postpartum depression. And that is high, statistically among parents.
Racquel 10:53
And honestly, I had never even really heard about postpartum depression until after I had my second. So I was scared to even tell people that I was so frustrated with Lily that night, never told anyone until long after her first birthday. And so I guess even though that should have been my, oh, this isn’t okay night. I didn’t know enough that no one really talks about it.
Courtney 11:25
And there’s so many aspects that go into postpartum depression. I mean, from the questionnaire to them asking, you know, typical depression questions to you feeling your rage and the postpartum anxiety. Like, there’s so much that goes into it. And it’s like, they don’t even dig in, like past the first couple of layers of it.
Racquel 11:54
So, after you have logon, what were the first symptoms that you notice that you started thinking, Oh, okay, maybe I have postpartum depression.
Courtney 12:07
I, basically, I don’t know. I felt like, absolute shit, if we’re going to be completely honest. I, so Ryan would go out to the field five days at a time. And I would literally bawl my eyes out. Because I could not be a mother by myself, I was going to do something wrong, he was going to die. I lived in this bubble, because I couldn’t leave the house. And, like, of course, I had to, you know, go get diapers and wipes and food, and I had two other kids to take care of at the time. And I was, like treating my children like they, they couldn’t be outside because the air that they breathe was going to kill them. And that made me feel like, well, what the fuck are you doing? Like, obviously, that’s not going to happen, like you’re just secluding your children. And you just don’t want the outside world to have them. And that brought me down lower, because I was like, Well, if I can’t do this, then I’m not providing enough for my children. And then it started getting deeper. And I would have thoughts of well, my kids would be better without me. My husband would be better without me. And the world would be a better place without me that he could find a new wife that could raise the kids better than I could. And it didn’t really hit me that something was 100% wrong until Ryan came home one night early, and someone had dropped him off. And he walked up the stairs and I was hiding in the bathroom crying even though all the kids were asleep. And he just kind of looked at me and was like, are you okay? What’s wrong? What happened? And I couldn’t even form a complete sentence because I was just so out of it. And if he wouldn’t have walked in and been home that night, I don’t think that it would have taken me that much like not taking me that one would have been like my wake up moment for I needed to get help. And even the day that I called the doctors to tell them that I wanted to be seen. I had a panic attack and was like why am I needing to go to the doctor so I can be a good parent.
Racquel 14:58
So for me, my first symptoms, trying to really think my like, aha moment was that someone on Facebook posted about their own personal postpartum depression. And reading about that and seeing the symptoms I was like, the sounds a lot like me, this sounds like things that I’m going through. And so then I just kind of started researching it more because like I said, I didn’t really know much about postpartum depression. I really until that night, it wasn’t anything that I really heard of. So I started researching it after seeing her story. And then I was like, wow, I have postpartum depression and this has been going on since Lily was born. This explains so much of why I’m because I I felt like a terrible mom to is like, this is why I’m such a bad mom. This is why I feel so disconnected from my kids. Knowing now what postpartum is the symptoms that I that should have been my warning signs were, of course, was Lily, it was that rage that I wasn’t mad at Lily. But I was mad at everyone else in the world. And I didn’t want anyone in the world around me, didn’t want to have relationships and friendships. I was purposely sabotaging them. Just the littlest thing would make me mad, like screaming, throwing a huge fit, temper tantrum mad. And then, with sage, it was constant guilt and having a hard time connecting with him. When he was he was either two or three weeks old. I remember putting him in the crib in our bedroom, and he was just crying and crying. And I couldn’t figure out what was wrong similar to that first night with Lily. But he was in the bedroom crying and I was in living room holding Lily and I was crying, holding Lily and I was thinking, why do I love her but I don’t love him. And looking back now it’s not that it’s not that I didn’t love him. I knew I loved him. I just couldn’t find that, that connect for that motherhood bond.
Courtney 17:43
And when you actually first started posting about your postpartum depression, I feel like you being so open helped me to be open with everyone besides Ryan, because I didn’t want anyone to know. And once I started opening up about it, and like really understanding it. I still felt like I pushed everyone away like you said, like you were sabotaging your relationships. And I remember doing that, like I pushed people away. And like my friend Sarah, she came up to visit when we lived in Wyoming, but she was really my only friend there. And then she moved to Texas with to be with her husband. And she came up and visited and Logan. I want to say he was probably like 10 months at the time. And her daughter was a little bit older than him and we hung out for the day. And that was the first time that I was really out of the house to pamper myself. And right before she came up. I know I can’t remember if I told her or if ryan messaged her, or how it actually all came about. But she found out that I was struggling and to say that she was a good friend, even amazing friend doesn’t quite reach that because she individually messaged people that I was close with in Wyoming that moved away. My mother in law my mom like a whole list of people and asked them to write me and send me pictures and she put this box up. I could carry like barely and mailed it to me and it had what a robe in it. pretzels because that was like an absolute favorite still is. And all these pictures and letters, and it made me feel like Whole Again, I guess. Like, I pushed all these people away and I was hiding from them, but they still loved me. And I think that was like the, the cherry on top. After I had finally like I understood what was happening, and I was opening up about it. And I was so afraid, so afraid that everyone was gonna think of me differently. But then I had this giant box that said otherwise. And I feel like that helped me overcome my darkest time.
Racquel 21:03
I honestly, I feel like I still struggle sometimes with the fear of what are people gonna think because I thought this. Like, sometimes I keep a journal and I’ll look through it, like, just a word doc on my phone. And I’ll like read through it. And sometimes I’m like, oh, I should post this in our motherhood group. Maybe someone else can really and then start to make the post and I’m like, Okay, nevermind, I don’t want to post this because I’ll get scared of what other people are gonna think.
Courtney 21:42
Well do you feel like you had? I don’t want to say like, the right support? But with you not really opening up about? Uh, do you feel like you had that support between like that small group of people? Or do you feel like you would have had a better chance of overcoming everything quicker? If you had a more support? I guess?
Racquel 22:15
Um, that is a tricky question, because there’s so many different factors that affected it. My failed marriage, just how bad the marriage was in my excessive need to please Him and I live this fantasy world, all on top of living far away. Because with Lily, we lived in Virginia. But even then, that was still eight hours from home. But sage was only two months old when we moved to Germany’s so then we were living half the world away. And half that time, he was actually gone because he was gone for training, then gone for school. And when he was there, he would often work long days, 12 hour days and longer. So it was just me and the kids isolated in our home a lot. So I don’t know, it’s hard to say how, how that would have been different if I was home. And hard to say how I would have been different if I wasn’t in that marriage.
Courtney 23:44
So I don’t know how to this. Do. I know for me with being military since you were military spouse at the time, like that. Seclusion made it worse for me. Because I felt like I had no one. Yeah. And it was just like, if I can’t make friends
Racquel 24:16
I definitely think that all played a part in it. I for one, I was living in Germany. So I didn’t have I mean, I had some friends in Germany, but it was also at the same time getting that opportunity to go see them. That was hard. And none of them had kids yet. So that also kind of made me more of that oddball. I just had a terrible marriage. We didn’t support each other at all in it was constant fighting. He would come home and expect dinner to be done in the house to be spotless and if it were wasn’t that he was mad about that. And I was also in school at the time, full time going for my bachelor’s degree. And if I said, Hey, I need to go upstairs to work on homework, he would get mad about that. And be like, well, who’s going to help me with kids, so I had to stay up and stay in the living room to help keep an eye on the kids. So that definitely played a part in it too. Because then I was staying up till 910 o’clock, with the kids, getting them to bed and then staying up till 123 In the morning, working on homework, and then getting up at six in the morning to make sure that he was getting up for work, because he couldn’t wake himself up. So yeah, definitely being away from home, having all those different factors definitely played a part of me really struggling with it. And then the fear of not wanting to tell anyone just made it worse, because even after I started opening up about it on Facebook, I never went to the doctor until after I moved home.
Courtney 26:15
I feel like that all those factors in life, but specifically your situation. You had to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom. And being 1000s of miles away from your family, you know, like, if there’s something defective with you, then that adds way more pressure than if you could take the kids to your mom’s house, or if you could leave the situation early, earlier. Given that you were closer to home. Like there’s so many factors that can add to that mental stress.
Racquel 27:14
I know, things got really bad when he was deployed, because then like, I got to the point that you were at that I was scared to leave the house. I every day was thinking, Okay, what if what if I choke, and then there’s no one here to know, like, that I’m dead. And my kids are home alone, starving, sitting in nasty soiled diapers, and no one’s going to know, no one’s going to be able to come check on me, because who’s here? And sometimes we would just be driving go into the store or something just me and the kids. And I would think, What if I get in an accident, and I die, but my kids are fine. And then they’re gonna go into a German foster care system. And I’m like, no one’s gonna know nobody’s here to know that I’m dead. No one’s here to check on me. So those were the things that I really like, got deep into while being alone.
Courtney 28:20
I remember you telling me about you having a fear of choking when we first actually started like reconnecting. And even to this day, I my child, my youngest is now almost four. And I still struggle with depression and anxiety. Not really related to postpartum anymore. But outside of that, and I still find myself like, if I’m driving by water, and like, if I go off the side of the road, I only have two arms. And if we’re far away from the shore, like how am I going to save all my kids? And I still panic
Racquel 29:01
sometimes running through my head. Okay, if I go into this lake who can I unbuckle first? What’s gonna be the quickest way to get them out?
Courtney 29:12
Yeah, and I’m just sitting there. Like, should I put life jackets in the car? Like, am I prepared? Like how fast is the cargo underneath water? Do I have to wait to roll down the windows? Like you’re playing through my head? I’m just driving. I’m like, you are getting in your head, Courtney, you need to stop. You need to focus and I’m just sitting there like there’s so much water. I can’t do this.
Racquel 29:38
So I know you’re not taking your medication anymore. What did you get to a point that you’re like, Okay, I am good to not be on this anymore or did like what happened for getting off of it?
Courtney 29:53
So I’m actually going to be getting back on my medicine. So I have breastfed all of my children from so with Carter breastfed him from birth obviously to two. But I got pregnant right after he turned one, so I nursed him throughout my pregnancy. And then tandem nursed with him and my middle. And then he finished nursing. Daniels what exactly like two days after his second birthday. And then I continued nursing my Wyatt, up until I got pregnant, or not up until I still nurse when I got pregnant with Logan. And then when I had Logan, I tandem nurse them, but they were, what, four days from being two years apart. So why I actually finished nursing. I think it was three weeks after he turned two. And then I continued to nurse Logan. And when Ryan deployed, I had all these plans. I was gonna go to the gym. I was going to get my perfect pre pregnancy body back. And I was going to potty train what Logan and he was going to be done nursing. That didn’t happen at all. And it was I want to say like two weeks after Brian came back from his deployment that Logan we got Logan to stop nursing. Instead of me waking up in the middle of the night with him and just being that access for him. Ryan got up and would calm him down and go get him back to sleep in. We we end up that way. I would break down and just he was crying. So I’d comfort nurse him and I would give it I’m a pushover. And after that. I want to say it was February. So 2020 February 2020. No, because it’d be 21 Because that was right at Yeah. 21. So February 2021. I went to the doctors because I was feeling extremely depressed again. And I haven’t felt that way in a long time. And at this point I was only taking or I was taking 200 milligrams of Zoloft, and 50 milligrams of Wellbutrin. And I was also having like severe shakiness. It didn’t matter if I ate, I was having symptoms of high blood sugar, and then I’d have extreme symptoms of low blood sugar. And I was also having back pain and I just went to the doctor’s and I was like, This is what’s wrong with me. And she just kind of looked at me like I was batshit crazy. Because I don’t ever go to the doctors because my anxiety. So when I do go to the doctors, you know, it’s a serious situation. And then I hand him this booklet of things that’s wrong with me. And they’re like, Well, why didn’t you come in sooner? And so she took me off the Wellbutrin. And she put me in for a full blood panel and told me to she’d call me when my stuff came back. And then a few weeks later, she called me in and I went to that appointment and she asked how my depression was. And I said it hadn’t gotten any better. And at that point, I was off the Wellbutrin. So my blood sugar’s were evening out at that point, we think that’s what was causing my blood sugar’s to be all over the place. But my depressions still felt so overwhelming to the point where I was back to my kids need a better mom, and the world doesn’t need me. And I was sleeping from eight o’clock at night, up until noon. And thankfully, my kids are good sleepers. And then Ryan would get home from work on those days. And then as soon as I would be up for like four hours at that point. And as soon as he came home, I’d be right back to sleep. And that was what my days look like for months on end. And she was like, Well, I just want you to, you know, go talk to what they call be hop here, which is behavioral health. And I’m not going to adjust your medication or anything. And I think you need to be on this level, which was the highest dosage of Zoloft and So I went to be happy. And she looked at me, and she introduced herself. And she’s like, what’s three goals that you want to do? And I was like, Well, I want to be able to be more there for my kids, I’m sleeping all the time. Like, I want to not be depressed. And she didn’t ask me, like how I was feeling or anything, she just had me write down three goals. And then she said, she didn’t need to see me anymore. And I was like, that was not helpful, but thank you. And so the following week, my doctor called me and said that my liver levels were off. So I had to do all that. But I told her, my depression wasn’t better and that I wanted to either change my medication or lower the dosage, because my hormones were finally regulated, because I wasn’t a breastfeeding anymore. And she refused to do so. So I weaned myself off, outside of doctor’s orders, which probably wasn’t the best thing. And I don’t recommend. But my depression hasn’t been such a problem as it was. And I feel like, if she would have just lowered my dosage, then I would have been fine. And having too much of the antidepressants than your body needs actually can have reverse effect of what they’re intended to do. And I’ve always had more struggles with anxiety outside of postpartum depression. So that was where I really strived to like, have that medicine was because my anxiety took over. And since I haven’t been on my medicine, I haven’t really struggled with depression, or my depression, like there’s days that are like really bad, but not to the point where I feel though the world is a better place without me and my kids deserve someone else. So as a mom, but my anxiety and life, those are terrible. So I’m going to call the doctor on Monday and actually give talk to her about getting put back on, at least for my anxiety and try and find like that perfect level again, so I can function. Are you still on your medicine? Yes,
Racquel 37:36
I’m actually on the highest dose for Zoloft. I’m on 200 milligrams. So originally, when I got put on Zoloft, it was probably about two years after I started talking about postpartum depression. So I guess at that point, it just would have been regular depression that came from untreated PERS postpartum depression. When I went to the doctor to get put on Zoloft, I was started on the lowest dose, I can’t remember if it was 25 or 50 milligrams, and we worked our way up. I originally sought to get put on medication. Honestly, because of my ex husband, he had convinced me that I was crazy. And I needed help. And I thought that getting help, was going to be the thing that saved my marriage. Then it was all my fault that everything was falling apart. And so I went to the doctor to get medication and it ended up being a really good thing. I as we build up the dosage, I started getting clarity on who I wanted to be what I wanted in my life, what actually made me happy. And I kind of held guilt towards myself for not seeking help sooner, especially when for so long, I would push on social media, like talking, hey, I went through this if you’re going through it too. It’s totally normal. Let’s get help. So I was a hypocrite. I pushed everyone else to go get help, but I was terrified to go get help myself. And now that I’m on it, I’m very thankful for it. After have, I can’t remember if it was after I had Oakland or right before I had him. That would have been my third pregnancy. I did end up getting pushed up to the highest dose because I was starting to struggle with depression again. And I think a lot of that was just the amount of responsibilities I have now. I went from just slowly and sage to now having six kids and I love having all six kids, but it is lateral responsibility. And I think that between because I had left my job my last job between leaving my job and being home with all six kids and it was also during COVID all the combinations started to make me feel worse. So I went and got an appt I don’t plan on getting off of it anytime soon. It I may even be on it the rest of my life. But being on it, I am happy and uh, I’m thankful for it. So I’m not worried about trying to get off of it at the moment.
Courtney 41:02
Do you? I know that you have said that. Being out of the house and working like that’s your thing like you love getting that adult interaction. Do you feel like you working and also taking your medication not necessarily makes you a better mom but makes you feel like you can attentively. Be there mentally for your children.
Racquel 41:36
I always say that working makes me a better mom. I love all my kids, but I was not meant to be a stay at home mom. Go I noticed that when I’m staying home with them versus when I am going into work in getting out of the house and into an office socializing and whatnot. My irritation isn’t as short I have a lot more patients. I want to hear more about their days. I want to hear about their stories that they want to tell me to wear when I’m staying home with them trying to do their online learning trying to get them to do their chores, fighting with them non stop. I don’t I don’t want to hear about those things. I get more impatient, more irritable. I yell a lot more. And I don’t want to hear anyone say Mom, mom, mom. So yeah, definitely going to work. And getting out of the house is my thing. Also, when I when I was single parenting, Lillian sage, I started to learn the importance of having me time and after learning that now, anytime I start to feel that overwhelming moment in my life, I just tell John, I say hey, I need that me time right now I’m at the end of my rope. And he knows what that means. And I just take it whether it’s going to my mom’s and hanging out with her for a bit or I would say Hang out with friends but you’re my only friends so so far. Just taking that time helps me be a better mom though.
Courtney 43:48
I definitely agree with that. Even though I still have that, like my kids have to be with me at all times. Like I’ll still leave them with ryan and go hang out with my sister like we went and got her nails done. When we went back home like this past while we could go and while I was gone from them for I want to say maybe three hours in even like that small amount of time. I would say for being with your kids. I felt rejuvenated. Okay, I have some patients I have some meantime. And then right after I went to your house and I got to hang out with you. And I mean after everything that like we have been through like our friendship and how close we are now and even when we first met like you’re my person person, but you’re my person, when I’m having like, just that frustrated moment, I just always text him like, Hey, how’s your day going? take my mind off these wild things running through my house in their underwear. And, like even Ryan knows, like, no matter where we go after he gets out of the military, like, I am going to have weekends where it’s just you, I am going to see you. And at this point, my kids will probably be grown and out of the house, because, you know, career wise, he’s probably staying in. And we, like, he knows that, like, you’re my person. And when we go home, he’s like, okay, so how many days you’re gonna go see, we’re kill, like, all of them does. And
Racquel 46:02
I always say that I want to lock you up in my base.
Courtney 46:09
You know, like, I feel like, our bond and our friendship, like, that’s my saving grace for dealing with everything, because being new, although we have different stories with our postpartum depression, like, we both understand what it’s like, and there’s no judgement. And we can openly talk about everything and not be afraid or give two shits of what each other is gonna think.
Racquel 46:48
Right, that’s what I want the Facebook group to kind of be like that saving grace for anyone who maybe doesn’t have a person to talk to. or maybe they don’t have the courage to tell their person.
Courtney 47:07
Because what we have, I feel like everyone needs and like, with how little support there is, with even just opening up about it because I see my that I did it myself, I could see like, being so afraid of being judged you not answering those questions correctly on that checklist? Yeah, because you’re afraid of what the doctors gonna think. And being able to just openly talk of bout everything, even in the group anonymously, posting as yourself. Like, having that open area to talk will allow you to fully get everything out and then determine what’s next steps you need to take.
Racquel 48:18
If… what would you say to someone who’s listening right now, that is going through postpartum depression, but hasn’t took those first steps?
Courtney 48:32
To someone that hasn’t took those first steps? I would say the first thing I would say it’s going to be okay. No matter how much you think that it’s not them, that your kids deserve better, and that you aren’t worthy of them, it will get better. And I encourage you to get help. But everyone does that in their own time. And if you don’t do it right away, it’s only going to not help your situation and for me with not helping and like you said, like you feel like it just piles on. So if you feel like you’re not ready to get help, write it down. Talk to somebody. Even just fully realizing that you have postpartum depression, even not getting diagnosed yet. Like knowing that it’s not you. It’s the hormones. It’s your brain. It’s doesn’t make you any less of a mom.
Racquel 49:54
Adding on to that what I would say is Just set you’re not alone, even when it feels like it, you’re not the we’re here, the group is here. And sometimes, we may not always get the exact answer that we want when we’re reaching out for support. But our group, you’re gonna get some kind of answer someone in, that answer is just going to have you in your best interest at heart, that we’re just really trying to help. So yeah, you’re not alone. It’s okay, what you’re going through, and we want to help.
Courtney 50:47
And don’t be afraid of that judgment. Judgment sucks as a whole. But being afraid to get help, because you’ll be judged, isn’t the doctors intentions, they only want to get you to where you are 100% mentally, and they’ll do everything that they possibly can, when you actually go to get you and get the help that you need, whether it be medication or just talking to someone, or even, you know, encouraging you to just get me time. Their focus is going to be on you and not thinking that oh my gosh, you’re a terrible mom. And sometimes, that fear of being judged kind of takes charge and drives everything. Greed. I mean, for me, even to this day, before coming up and doing this podcast, Ryan was like, we’ll go have fun. I was like, Nope, I’m not. Because even though I’m more open about my story, I still feel that shame and still struggling, in some ways with it, because I’m like, Oh my gosh, why did I think those thoughts and those weren’t necessary. So it doesn’t automatically just go away? It’s always there. But finding ways to cope, healthy, healthy coping is just trying to figure out what works for you and what works for one person may not be what works for you. And same goes for the next person after that everyone stories individual and how they heal and how they cope is individual to that. So while we all may be dealing with the same thing, and we can help each other. Not every story is going to be 100% the same.
Racquel 53:22
I think that was perfectly said. Thank you. Okay, so with all of that said, and knowing that our Facebook group is there for support, make sure you head on over and join us. We’re gonna wrap up this episode and hope you tune in for the next episode.
Courtney 53:45
We’ll see you next time.
